Ask the family

I live in a green and pleasant land called Ireland. The part of the country I live in may not have breath-taking scenery, rugged coasts, but it is not bad. In fact, apart from the smell of the pig shit and the fumes from the local rendering plant the air is clean, the drink cheap and the women easy - okay so I lie on both counts.

The place should be promoted better for tourism. But it isn't. For a start those who should be promoting it aren't from the area. They are marketers (who don't know all that much about marketing). Many of them are supercilious, cheeky bastards and bitches. And let us not forget that they owe their position in tourism promotion to membership of "the family".

The family can be seen as a large and amorphous network, held together by loyalty to the Fianna Fail party (which, for non Irish people has governed here more often than anyone else). They may also be related to leading figures, both past and present, in the government. Membership of "the family" is also conditional on being incompetent. If you are competent, why would you want to join? And if you are competent, you wouldn't be even invited to join.

Members of "the family" are like an infection in the public service. They gnaw on the marrow of government. They are always noticeable by driving the same top-of-the-range vehicles. They always are able to draw on nice fat expense accounts which mean that overnight accommodation in the best hotels is never a problem.

It is often said that there is no difference between the two most important political parties in this country. That's true but there are differences of emphasis. For one thing the Fine Gael / Blue Shi(r)t / Fine Girl ya are crowd do have more respect for private enterprise, whereas the Fianna Fail crowd are more interested in enriching themselves at the public trough. Once engorged though, they are all equally opposed to people asking about the sources of their wealth.

Now the Fine Gael party are largely made up of pale pink wimps who nail their political principles to their rustic ranch fencing. This way they can be easily moved. Now I believe in giving credit where it is due, and I'd like to take this opportunity of thanking a Fine Gael candidate for attending my mother's funeral. (I won't forget it Joe.) His party colleague and former member of the legislature who lives nearer to here must have been on holiday. He's certainly out for lunch. My mother like a lot of my family (though not me) was from the Fianna Fail side of the political divide, though like so many other people they lost out to the more recent political converts with their big cheque-books. Yet a member of that party who sits in the Upper House of the Irish parliament never bothered to attend or to send a message of condolence. What's more the miserable little cunt still has some copies of a book I gave him on loan. Well, if you can't lend a book to a parliamentarian who can you lend it to? But I am biding my time. Tiocfaidh mo la, is cinnte.