P. J. Stoned

A common pseudo-scientific notion of the Victorian age was that of criminal physiognomy. There were those who, by the cut of their gib, betokened criminality. Most criminals looked a certain way, and if you were unfortunate enough to have a criminal face well let's just say you were more than likely to end up in Broadmoor or better still in Botany Bay or Van Diemen's Land. If you then had some prominent bushy red facial hair your criminal career was assured.

This twaddle has long been exposed for the rot it is. Yet there are those who look dodgy. Take for example the Irish prime minister Bertie Ahern. Maybe it's just that he looks shifty. But for the real, honest-to-God criminal mien we need look no further than P.J. Stone, general secretary of the Irish Garda Representative Association (GRA). He is widely regarded by association members for dealing with vexatious allegations of corruption and indiscipline amongst members. But do a line drawing, stick it up on a few walls and maybe in the Hue and Cry, and all that's needed is the word "Wanted". In fact, his head has that particular shape which Victorians associated with serious mental dysfunction. In fact, P.J. Stoned would be well advised never to go near an identity parade, for he would be sure to be fingered for any crime.

At the moment he is at daggers drawn with fellow fascist pig Michael Baldy McDowell, over the latter's attempts to introduce a reserve police force. As the presence of a group of reservists might show up the lazy-arsed wasters who make up so much of the Irish police force this move has attracted the ire of P.J. Stoned. At a recent meeting he stated that members of the reserve would be "hated and detested". So they would join a long list of people who are already "hated" by GRA members. These include "fucking foreigners", "black bastards", "knackers" and indeed tiresome members of the public. It is also possible to be "hated" by association. The partner of a very prominent local government official who is active in travellers' rights, is spoken of with warmth by members of the local police force.

Poor John Carthy of Abbeylara knew what it was like to be hated by the Guardians of the Peace. John had mental issues which could have been addressed before he was forced like a rabbit from a snare into the sights of the Garda Emergency Response Unit. In the subsequent enquiry the Gardai attempted to say that this was a case of an extremely bizarre phenomenon referred to in the United States as "Death by Cop", i.e. where someone induces the police to shoot them. In my opinion it was far more like the form of execution practiced until recently in the state of Utah: death by firing squad.

Now I know I'm a bit thick but there is one group who never seem to be "hated" by GRA members - criminals. But Nigerians, Poles, "Black Romanian Bastards", members of the travelling community etc. are, unlike your average criminal, unlikely to represent any real physical danger to the Irish police force. They can be kicked around with impunity.

P.J. Stoned is nothing if not an honest representative of his profession. In his "hate-filled" jeremiad (look up the meaning P.J. if you don't know it) he also referred to a similar attempt to set up a reserve back in 1939. This encountered similar opposition from the Guardians of our peace. The first Irish police commissioner was none other than that disgusting pervert Eoin O'Duffy, progenitor of a dangerous and diseased race, who subsequently went on to found the "proto"-Fascist Army Comrades Association, better known as the Blueshirts. Some Blueshirts, after having received the long-armed blessing of the Irish hierarchy, fought communism in Spain though their actions were more comic than tragic. This is not the place to recount how Irish volunteers fired on a group of brown, and thus communist soldiers, who were unfortunately members of the Spanish Foreign Legion i.e. their own side. Therefore, at the beginning of the Second World War such a reserve was bound to cause anger amongst the fascist sympathisers in the Irish Police force who would have liked nothing better than hand our nation over to their Italian and German fellow travellers. Even rounding up Ireland's few hundred Jews for internment or worse would not have taken them more than a few week's work.

Irish crime boss John Gilligan would still be sitting pretty on his ill-gotten gains, but for the martyrdom of journalist Veronica Guerin. She had to pay for governmental ambivalence and yes, Garda collusion with organised crime, with her life. And let's not forget that it was an Irish, white assassin who shot her, after he had been informed she had left a court by a member of An Garda Siochana.

Why do I care about this? It's because I belong to a group of people who have long been despised by the "able-bodied". I know what prejudice tastes like. Recently I have been able to travel around Cavan town with my darling girlfriend Rosie. Motorists have shown themselves really helpful when I am being pushed across a road in my chair. One group who have consistently shown disregard for our plight in crossing streets, motoring on regardless, have been drivers of police cars. No doubt they were hurrying to apprehend a group of Nigerians breaking into a sweetshop.